Welcome to the Golden Age of Getting Laid: it’s easier than ever to have sex, and everybody’s doin’ it. Alongside all the humpin’ and grunting, one thing that everybody is also doing is dispensing lies like candy. Seriously — even a harmless little phrase like “Netflix and chill” actually means something totally different.

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The fact that we’re all dirty little liars isn’t something we should be ashamed of, though. Everybody knows how hard it is to be yourself and truthful with someone you’re having harmless sex with.

1. “I don’t usually do this.”


Who do you think you are? R. Kelly? You do this all the time and you like it, that’s why you’re doing it right now and will continue doing it in the future. Whether that “it” is involves something kinky with candle wax and food or that certain special position that can only be achieved by a step-stool, claiming ignorance with sex won’t get you anywhere.

2. “I’m not that kind of person.”

Lol. Come on. What are people so afraid of letting their freak flag fly? There’s nothing wrong with being the kind of person who sleeps with someone on the first date or the kind of person who doesn’t mind a little backdoor action.

3. “I won’t tell anyone!”

What’s the first thing you’re going to do after you finish with a mind-blowing sexual encounter in which your whole body got rocked up and down like the bridge of the Titanic? Tell your friends, put up a cryptic Facebook status, and maybe even do a little subtle somethin’ somethin’on Instagram.

4. “You’re the best I’ve ever had.”

The best I’ve ever had since the last best time I ever had and until the next best I’ll ever have.

5. “I’ll call you.”

No, you won’t — if anything, you’ll text them. Which leads us to…

5a. “I’ll text you.”

No, you won’t. You’re not going to get a text from a member of the generation that invented the act of “ghosting.” At most, you’ll get an Instagram like a few months after the initial hook up and then maybe a stray emoji a year or two later.

6. “I came.”

Sorry, buddy, but you probably did not give her an orgasm — at least, not on your first try.

7. “My roommates won’t mind”

If you hook up with someone with roommates, which you probably will, it takes a huge luck of the draw to end up with a girl whose roomie is cool with hearing her housemate explicitly knockin’ boots with some random dude she met on Tinder. Speaking of which…

8. “I hate Tinder.”

For those 50 million people on Tinder, swiping literally 1 billion times per day, blaming Tinder for the source of their anxiety is a commonly heard complaint. However, numbers don’t lie — so, ask yourself: Do you really hate Tinder or do you hate striking out of Tinder?

9. “I’m not sleeping with anyone else.”

Unless you’re in a full-fledged relationship with someone else, it’s hard to believe you’re putting the ancient belief of “going steady” into practice. Half the fun of random sex with multiple partners is the “multiple partners” aspect. So, quit acting like you’re the poster child of the 1950s and sleep with as many people as you’d like. (So long as you’re staying safe, that is.)

10. “I always keep things tidy.”

Ha! One of the biggest misconceptions about women is that they’re the only ones who like to tidy up down there when they’re expecting to hook up with someone else. Guys do it too, but we certainly don’t spend an hour shaving and spritzing every single week. An HD picture of any guy’s trash on an off-month will spell a far different stories than the garbage coming out of his mouth.

11. “That was so good.”

Yeesh, the caveat to this house of deceit. We’ve all heard the “sex is like pizza” argument — what people don’t talk about is the difference between how we talk about good sex and bad sex. When the pizza is bad, you tell the chef… when the sex is bad, you lie about it and then avoid the person like a disgraced pizza chef.

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